Why Positive Thinking Alone Won’t Fix Anxiety

(And what actually helps instead)

You’ve probably heard it before

“Just be positive.”
“You need to change your mindset.”
“Focus on the good and you won’t feel so anxious.”

Sounds lovely in theory, doesn’t it? Like there’s a simple switch you just haven’t found yet. And if you’ve been struggling with anxiety, chances are you’ve tried to find that switch. My ex mother in law used to tell me “you just need to pull yourself together”

Maybe you’ve written gratitude lists. Said affirmations in the mirror. Forced a smile when your stomach was in knots. Tried to “talk yourself down” from the edge.

And yet… the anxious thoughts still come. The overthinking. The dread. The tight chest.
The feeling that you’re never quite safe, even when everything looks fine on the outside.

So if positive thinking doesn’t fix anxiety what does?

Grab a cuppa. Let’s talk.

Why Positive Thinking Misses the Mark

Positive thinking can be helpful. But when it’s used as a quick fix, or worse, as a way to ignore real pain, it can do more harm than good.

Here’s why.

Anxiety isn’t just “worrying too much.” It’s a physiological response in your body. It often lives in your nervous system, shaped by past experiences and learned patterns of survival.

That means your brain might be saying “I’m fine,” while your body is saying “I don’t feel safe.”

And your body will always win.

Let’s say as a child, you were taught to stay small to keep the peace. Or maybe you were criticised, neglected, or constantly walking on eggshells. That creates a version of you that learns to scan for danger, to overachieve, to keep everyone happy, to stay in control at all costs.

Even years later when your circumstances have changed your body can still be reacting to the old threat. That reaction is anxiety. And no amount of “just think positively” will override a body that’s been trained to survive.

The Shame Spiral That Can Follow

Here’s the bit people rarely talk about.

When you’re doing everything “right”, journalling, meditating, repeating affirmations and you still feel anxious, it’s easy to blame yourself.

You might start thinking:

• “What’s wrong with me?”

• “Why can’t I get it together?”

• “Maybe I’m just broken.”

You’re not. You’ve just been trying to treat a deeper wound with a surface level plaster.

This is one of the reasons many people come to me after trying “mindset coaching” that didn’t go deep enough. The intention was good, but the approach missed the trauma. It ignored the nervous system. And it forgot that your body stores every experience you’ve ever had and doesn’t let go just because your brain tells it to.

What Actually Helps

If mindset alone isn’t enough, what is? Here are the foundations that actually shift anxiety in a lasting way:

1. Understanding the Root

Start by being curious, not critical.
Ask yourself:

• Where did I learn this pattern?

• What was happening when I first started feeling this way?

• Who did I have to be in order to feel safe growing up?

These questions don’t always have simple answers. But they open the door to self-awareness and that’s where real change begins.

3. Letting Go of Perfection

Many women I work with have been perfectionists for decades. Not out of ego, but out of fear. Fear of getting it wrong. Being judged. Letting someone down. Losing control.

Anxiety thrives in the pressure to get it all right.

So part of the healing is learning that it’s safe to:

• Rest

• Say no

• Not be productive

• Not have all the answers

4. Being Held in a Safe Space

You don’t have to do this on your own. Whether you’re talking to a therapist, coach, or practitioner, healing happens when you feel seen, heard, and safe enoughto let your guard down.

It’s not about fixing you because you’re not broken it’s about meeting yourself, gently, without judgement.

But What About Gratitude and Affirmations?

They still have a place.

Once your body feels safe, positive thoughts can start to land.
You can actually feel the truth in “I am enough,” instead of just repeating it with a tight chest and clenched jaw.

So I’m not anti-positive thinking. I just believe it needs to come later, once you’ve cleared the emotional noise underneath.

Affirmations are like seeds. But if you plant them in soil that’s full of weeds and rocks and debris, they won’t grow.

Let’s clear the ground first.

Final Thoughts

If you’ve been trying to think your way out of anxiety, and it hasn’t worked, you haven’t failed. You’ve just been sold the wrong starting point.

Your anxiety is not a mindset issue. It’s not a personal flaw. It’s a message. A sign that your body is trying to keep you safe in the only way it knows how.

But safety can be re-learned. Calm can be rebuilt. And you don’t have to do it alone.

When you’re ready, there are tools and people to help you get there.

My door is open when you are.

Interested in exploring how I work with anxiety and trauma?
Send me a message or visit my page to learn more about 1:1 sessions and how I support men and women just like you.

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