Why Do We Focus on the Negative and Not the Positive?

Have you ever had someone pay you ten compliments, but it’s the one piece of criticism you remember days later?

You’re not alone. I recently had a heartfelt conversation with a friend who was frustrated with herself for constantly focusing on the negative things people say or do despite there being so many positive moments in her life. She asked me something many of my clients have also wondered: Why is it so much easier to remember the bad than the good?

There’s actually a very good reason for it. But more importantly, there’s also something we can do about it.

The Brain’s Bias for Survival, Not Happiness

The human brain isn’t wired for joy, peace or contentment. It’s wired for survival.

Thousands of years ago, our ancestors didn’t have the luxury of wondering how fulfilled or confident they felt. They were too busy staying alive. Spotting a threat, a snake, a rustle in the bushes or a hostile tribe meant the difference between life and death. So the brain evolved to prioritise negative information because that’s what kept us safe.

Today, we’re not dodging predators, but the brain still functions in the same way. It constantly scans for what’s wrong or what could go wrong. It’s what psychologists call the negativity bias.

This is why:

• A single harsh comment on social media outweighs a dozen kind ones.

• We replay arguments in our heads but forget compliments.

• We brace for the worst, even when things are going well.

It’s not weakness. It’s biology. But just because it’s normal doesn’t mean it’s helpful.

Why It Matters

Left unchecked, this negative bias starts to shape how we see ourselves, others, and the world. It feeds anxiety, fuels self-doubt, and makes us more reactive and less resilient.

Think of it like this: every time we focus on something negative, it’s like watering a weed which just makes it grow stronger and then spreads.

But here’s the good news: neuroplasticity, the brain’s ability to change, means that we can train ourselves to notice the good. We can water the flowers instead instead of the weeds. 

Training the Brain to See the Good

This isn’t about pretending everything is fine. It’s about retraining the brain to stop skipping over what is good, is working, and is kind.

A few ways to start:

1. Notice the Filter
Become aware of when you’re focusing on what went wrong, who let you down, or what you didn’t do. Ask: What else is true here? Was there a moment of kindness, support, or success you’re ignoring?

2. Pause and Let the Good Land
Psychologist Rick Hanson says, “The brain is like Velcro for negative experiences and Teflon for positive ones.” To change this, when something good happens, pause, soak it in and let it register. Even ten seconds of appreciation rewires the brain.

What If You’ve Been Through a Lot?

If you’ve experienced trauma or prolonged stress, the brain’s sensitivity to threat can become heightened. It’s not just a bad habit, it’s a protective mechanism gone into overdrive.

In those cases, techniques like silent counselling, havening, or hypnotherapy can help reset the nervous system. It’s like telling your body and brain: It’s safe now. You don’t have to keep scanning for danger.

That’s when the deeper healing begins. And when you can start to see the world, and yourself, with clearer eyes.

Final Thought: You’re Not Broken, You’re Human

It’s not your fault that your brain remembers the one cruel comment and forgets the five kind ones. It’s doing its job. But you’re in the driving seat now. You can teach it a new way.

It takes awareness, practice, and compassion. But the shift is real and it’s powerful.

So next time your mind clings to the one thing that went wrong, gently ask: What went right?
Because the truth is, it’s always been there. The good just needs a little more of your attention.